Searching for Identity in a Season That Everyone Seems to Hate (*cough*Singleness)
if i’m not mistaken, this is the fifth or sixth draft of this blog post. and even as i sit down to write this, teeth gritted in determination, i can’t know for sure if this will be ‘the one’ i post.
the first draft began forming well over six months ago, and i thought ‘wow. this is so good. can’t wait to post it.’
i sat down to pound out the second draft a few weeks later, smoldering with flaming rage and fiercely needing to be heard, and thought, ‘this’ll show ‘em. i’ll make them understand the frustration and pain.’
the third draft made a u-turn and tried so hard to be optimistic about it. reading it back i wanted to gag on the saccharine enthusiasm of it all.
the fourth flailed around trying to tie all of the above together with some semblance of maturity… it flopped hard, and i knew it.
by the time i pieced together the fifth draft, i felt as though i had gotten it all sorted. it wasn’t angry or optimistic, it was cohesive and factual. it got to the point with direct sincerity and steady confidence. the final masterpiece, finally completed. (lol)
and yet… when i brought it to my dear writing buddy and kind editor, she gently mused that it was still missing something important. that there was still a frustrated and slightly accusatory tone to it, without any kind of resolution. ‘it needs hope,’ she murmured. i couldn’t argue with her insight and truth be told, i was tired of this stupid attempt at a blog post. failure after failure, and i was over it. i nodded my head, thanked her, and drove home.
‘maybe i’m not supposed to write about singleness.’
and then, during a rare and cherished coffee date with an old friend, i had a minor revelation. said friend asked me, somewhat out of the blue, ‘any tips on how to be single?’ i laughed and shoved my hands deeper into the pockets of my jeans. the wind was nippy so we turned around to cut our walk short as i nodded.
‘sure,’ i began. ‘i’ve learned a thing or two in the past few months…’
and as i began to offer what i hoped could be some helpful thoughts and revelations on the single existence, i realized…
hope was coming out of my mouth.
i was finally verbalizing the wee rays of hope that i had begun to discover as i hacked my way through the emotions and frustrations and confusion that have surrounded singleness for me. i was encouraging her with the truths and realities that God has been graciously pointing out as i’ve come to Him over and over with more questions and more uncertainty. when i finally drew my tedtalk to a close and apologized for my trademark longwindedness, i was struck by it – hope. i really have found hope.
what i had failed to recognize at first, however, was that i couldn’t begin to search for hope until i faced the lack thereof. i had to admit that singleness felt like a hopeless, lose-lose topic. i hated the singleness narrative that i had grown up hearing and seeing play out and i knew i wanted something different, but how? i didn’t know.
so for the first five drafts, i processed. i dug up the roots of my hopelessness and ground that hopelessness through the gears of my emotions and experiences. i asked God a lot of questions. cried a fair bit. i discovered the hurt under the anger, began to dislodge some of the lies i’ve believed and examined them. i listened to a lot of Pastor JP (bless him) and podcasts on singleness, desperate for hope. ‘tell me it’s possible. tell me there’s a way to really live, whether i’m single or not,’ i’d think as i began each new sermon or read each post by Riley Sewell Kehoe. ‘i know you can show me how to live an abundant life right now, Lord,’ i’d pray as i asked (okay, begged) Him to help me sort out the truth about singleness.
and bit by bit, i began to discover freedom. began to taste hope.
so why am i back at the laptop, agonizing over a sixth draft when there are like five thousand articles and books and podcasts ‘out there’ that talk about singleness?
perhaps because i spent too long sifting through a lot of advice that felt shallow and banal before i actually found resources that touched on my deep questions and insecurities, and i want to share those. maybe because i wish that someone in my current stage of life had come to me when i was a confused and frustrated 17-year old and gently turned me in the right direction. quite possibly it’s because in this season of life right now, i long for connection with people who are walking the same journey, and i want to offer that connection to others.
i imagine this post as my own small way of hiking to the top of my little mountain, staking a beckoning flag in the ground, and shouting ‘hey! i’m single and i’m figuring out how to be as alive as possible!! anyone wanna join me up here?!’
i used to think that the ‘real living’ would start after i got married. but i realized that it’s not true and i’m determined to mine the depths of the word and God’s heart to find out what is true about singleness.
not quite six months ago a thought randomly popped into my brain as i reached for the shampoo bottle in the shower (in all seriousness, those shower thoughts can be life-changing). it was simply this – the word ‘alone’ transformed into the word ‘alive’ by switching out the last three letters. ‘alive, not alone’. it encapsulates the essence of this journey so far: seeking to change the narrative about singleness, first for myself, and then for those around me. we are not defined by being ‘alone’. we have every opportunity to be alive.
and how could we ever keep life to ourselves?? so how ‘bout it?
shall we?
love,
em
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