thus, there was hope

Psalm 61

1Hear my cry, O God,

listen to my prayer;

2from the end of the earth I call to you

when my heart is faint.

Lead me to the rock

that is higher than I,

3for you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the enemy.

Life in the Valley, Pt. II

hope requires courage.

and courage, according to the dictionary, is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without* fear; bravery.

*(i would amend that to say “in spite of fear.”)

facing the reality of the darkness we may struggle with, and doing so honestly, with humility and vulnerability, requires a lot of courage.

it took courage to climb into my mom’s bed late one night not that long ago, crying and more-or-less incoherent, and finally admit to her and myself that i am struggling, sinking. that i’m not okay and i don’t know why or how to be okay again. that ‘tired’ has come to define every moment of this transition for me. that i’m battling something i’ve never experienced before.

it takes courage to come home, friend. be it from dts, college, time abroad as an expat, rehab, a stint as a missionary, you name it, it’s difficult.

you’re different, home is different (even as it is painfully the same), and you’re forced to navigate realities and emotions and struggles you couldn’t have known to anticipate.

every single person experiences it all differently. some may not seem to be flinching under the weight of what it means to return home. some may feel crushed. the trials and challenges we face as we ‘return’ are all unique and varied. but one thing is certain and necessary - we must tackle it all with the same courage it took to leave home in the first place.

that’s what i wish i had been told before coming home from dts:

‘re-entry’ requires every bit as much energy, dedication, faithfulness, perseverance, vulnerability, and hard work as dts did.

you pour your heart and your soul into flourishing during dts. you work hard and make sacrifices, you make tough choices and create new, life-changing habits, you push yourself out of your comfort zone and watch your faith grow and your world open up as a result. it’s difficult and immensely challenging but it works. you’re transformed. you meet Jesus and come to understand yourself in a whole new way. and it’s awesome.

and then you come home expecting that if you can just keep reading your Bible and get reconnected at church and ministry, you won’t backslide.

but it takes more than that.

because you can’t imagine what might come hurtling at you once you step foot back inside ‘home’.

for me, i got into a bad car wreck as soon as i came home. i’ve talked to people whose parents separated or family moved or loved one died while they were gone. they had no choice but to return to those realities after the high of their away-from-home experiences.

in talking to these other dts alumni, to retired expats, people who know what it’s like to leave home, become a different person, and then return, and they agree - returning is far more difficult than they could have imagined.

whatever it is that challenges us upon return, for most of us, it feels somewhat impossible. will we survive? seems a bit dramatic, but you don’t know the weight of it until you’re there, suddenly realizing that you’re sinking, not knowing if you’ve got what it takes to swim back up.

i’ll tell you right now, you don’t.

reach out.

to your family, trusted friends, mentors, your DTS leaders, people who know you and love you and will help hold your arms up, like aaron and hur did for moses. reach out and let them into the struggle, ask them to pray with you through the darkness, let them love you as you adjust.

this step of vulnerability and courage is the first step towards taking hold of hope.

the last few months have been a season of facing and dealing with what i can only think to describe as depression. people can get weird when talking about mental illness, especially depression, and it can be sensitive and complicated. my desire is not to focus specifically on these ideas in this post, although we may do so down the road. right now, i want to cut to the chase and declare that hope is possible in the midst of any season we may be facing.

the utter exhaustion, lack of energy or motivation, the deep, inexplicable sadness and strange sense of loss that has come with returning has often made me question if there is hope. the overwhelm, the disorienting sense of lostness, is frightening. the future is just a big, inscrutable question mark… what’s the answer? how do i make it out of this season with myself, my faith, in one piece?

the answer is one that has become a reoccurring theme in my life:

Jesus & community.

Jesus is the only anchor. He’s the only true source of hope. He’s the only one who can shine light into the darkness we’re facing. don’t stop coming back to Him for refuge, to worship Him instead of bowing to circumstance, to rest in His presence. this is the first of only two things that have given me hope in this season.

the second is community. we’re most vulnerable to the enemy when he can get us alone and talk us into a corner. don’t let him. speak the struggle out loud. tell someone about the lies you’re battling. admit to your own weaknesses and allow the people who already love you and desire to support you do just that. Jesus is the answer, but we weren’t meant to seek Him alone. in these seasons, we need those around us to carry us to His feet, when we are paralyzed with fear or anxiety or depression or pain. crawl into your moms bed if you need to (worked really well for me). call your best friend from dts and cry with them. ask your pastor if they’d be willing to meet for coffee. whatever it takes, allow yourself to be carried if you’re struggling even to stand.

there. is. Hope.

but you will not find it in anything other than Jesus. and you will not be able to keep a perspective of hope unless you let others speak truth into your darkness.

i have hope.

i have good days and bad days. good days that end terribly and bad days that end in smiles, peace, rest. but the constant is that Jesus has been, is, and will continue to be faithful.

His faithfulness is waiting. just go right ahead and fall into Him.