The Pain of Process
There is a word/idea/lifestyle that I have encountered countless times since I stepped through the front door of YWAM Mazatlán, and that is:
p r o c e s s.
‘It’s a process!’
‘God has been speaking ______ to me through my process with ______.’
‘I want to hear about your process with God in this.’
‘Make sure you take time to process.’
The idea that everything in our lives is a process, and a continual one, at that, was the most refreshing surprise. People here have made it a way of life. You are not expected or required to ‘arrive’ or have everything (or, let’s be honest, anything lol) figured out at any given point. As long as you’re teachable and desiring growth, you will continue to move in your process, and that’s what matters.
I love this concept. It takes so much of the religious weight off of our shoulders when we stop believing that we are required to meet some sort of metric at a certain point in our Christian walks. Instead we are invited to walk with Jesus, which thankfully looks completely different for each person and cannot be measured with metrics. It can be measured with the Bible, yes. But the Bible is clear that grace is our assurance and security, not our own striving.
Viewing our lives as a process helps us value the beauty of each season and dig in deep even when we feel like we’re in an ‘in-between’ moment.
The concept of giving up impossible objectives of perfection for a process walked through with Jesus is beautiful.
But the process is not tidy or simple or easy or pretty.
Beautiful, yes, but often He resurrects beauty from ashes.
Ashes. Something has to burn.
I’m not going to share what I learned this week because I still don’t know what it is. You might say I’m still processing it all. ;)
This week was incredibly difficult, in many ways, for many reasons. I don’t know if it’s a refining or just me having to battle my humanness and own issues or both… It has been hard.
Sadly, they don’t have a word for ‘weary’ in Spanish. It’s the same as ‘tired’. But to be weary is not the same as being tired. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to a Spanish-speaking friend I struggled to convey the meaning.
I’m not just tired. I’m weary. I’m worn.
This is process.
The whole point of adopting the mindset of process is to acknowledge that no, everything is not all roses. No, I am not capable of perfection. Yes, I struggle and fail on a daily basis. And half the time I don’t even know what’s going on, I’m just either holding Jesus’ hand as tight as I can or reaching out desperately for it because I let go when I got distracted by the waves and the wind.
There’s a lot of pain in process.
Some moments are simply spent remembering how to breathe. Plenty are spent staring blankly at the wall as my brain wrestles with everything it’s been bombarded with for the last nine weeks. Some are spent crying on someone’s shoulder. A lot of them are spent in my hammock. Yesterday I escaped to my staff’s apartment and folded clothes and embroidered and ate MacDonalds with her while I word vomited, processed, tried to maintain my grip on my sanity.
And now I have a cold. Ick.
I hear you, Lord. I need to rest. My body is now protesting and begging me to rest. Now I have no choice.
Not every week feels like a victory.
Anyone who’s ever been surfing or spent time swimming (like, actually swimming, not just wading) in the ocean, you’ll be familiar with the feeling of being caught just wrong by a wave and getting thrown into the sandy washing machine of tumbling water. It might only last five or six seconds, but sometimes you wonder if you’ll come up alive or be tied in knots by the wave. It’s a fight for survival. Then you come up and feel silly for being so freaked out by a lil wave. Haha, well that wasn’t so bad.
There are a lot of waves in the process. You ride some of them. You dive under some. And some take you and pound you until the only thing you can think about is getting some air.
The process is worth sharing, whether we successfully surf the wave or not. Pretending that the process is pretty is lame and it’s a lie.
Jesus is so much deeper than the nice, tidy moments of worship or what we call ‘successful’ ministry. He didn’t come to earth to applaud our successes. He came because we were all drowning.
He still comes when we’re drowning.
The other beautiful thing about process is it ebbs but then it also flows. The ebb doesn’t last forever. The wave doesn’t last forever. The flow comes again. The ocean has moments of stillness.
Just gotta keep breathing Him in.
Excited to see where He takes the process next week.
Praises:
-I’m still praising God for His provision. Truly so SO grateful.
-We’re learning a lot about unity as a family and it’s been awesome.
-I’m growing in the area of asking for help when I need it!
Requests:
-Rest. I need to learn how to rest.
-Health. There’s a nasty cold going around and it’s a major bummer.
-We’re going to Durango on Sunday for a week of classes with our sister base there; we will be camping there so please pray for decent weather! (It’s supposed to rain a lot yikes)
-Outreach prep. I’ll talk more about outreach in my next update but it’s a lot. Please pray for supernatural energy, strength and unity!
Thank you for coming along for the ride, I’m grateful.
Big love, big hugs,
Em
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