Hugs Goodbye

[this was written sitting at my gate, during my last few moments in Oregon before taking off, contemplating goodbyes]

So many hugs goodbye.

So many humans I’m so blessed to know and love and be sad to leave.

I’m ready but I’m not.

I’m excited but I’m sad.

I’ve processed the reality but I’m in denial.

I like traveling but I hate it, too.

I’m exhausted but I feel profoundly awake.

I don’t know how to make goodbyes perfect or as deep or meaningful or heartfelt as they ought to be; saying goodbye is too significant and I can’t match the reality of it with words or even with hugs, although I try.

So I just hug and say I love you and I’ll miss you and I’ll be back.

But I won’t be back, really.

Not me, not as I am now. The Emma I am now will be lost very quickly in the changes this adventure will ignite. I’ll be back but I’ll not be the same.

And neither will any of the people I’ve hugged goodbye.

This is life, the ebb of it. The flow is prettier, it’s the joyous and the delightful. The ebb is the leaving, the tears, the ache that settles in inside.

I’m grateful.

I’m so grateful that leaving is such a difficult, painful thing. We don’t care too much about leaving something we don’t love. We don’t really mind saying goodbye to someone who didn’t mean that much to us. I am blessed beyond words and far beyond my comprehension; I am loved and it astounds me constantly.

I leave so much of me behind and I will come back with a well-developed ache for the people and things I’ve missed. And I’ll also leave pieces of me behind in all the places I will have traveled, too.

It’s terrifying but I couldn’t stay when I can go.

These hugs have to last me half a year, six months, twenty four weeks, one hundred and sixty eight days… I cherish them as much as I can.

I’ll be back.

Much love,

Em